How To Keep Things Interesting in the Second Half

Unless you possess a degree of optimism that has yet to be seen in the annals of history, you might have a hard time getting revved up to watch the Islanders in the second half, whether on the tube or live and in person at the plush Nassau Coliseum. And this presents a problem for a franchise looking to maintain and even grow a fanbase in Billy Joel Land. So, because it is better to light a candle than curse Charles Wang, The Palm Isle presents some tips to make things interesting in the second half.

Set up a Kansas City BBQ stand on the concourse.Newspapers haven't cared about the Islanders this much in at least a decade. So let's keep Kansas City out there. The city's known for its great BBQ, so it's a win on that front for the fan at the Coliseum. The fact that it'll get the media intrigued is a bonus. Where's the downside? Also, the Isles can install slot machines and, um, whatever Hamilton is known for to keep people on their toes about other places the Isles might wind up.

Don't just put Butch Goring in the seats; let him work odd jobs around the Coliseum. Unlike the Mediocre One, I like Butch Goring reporting from the seats on Islanders telecasts. But why stop there? Why not have him selling beer up in the cheap seats? Or shooting t-shirts out of a cannon with the Ice Girls? Or working the sushi stand on the concourse? The possibilities are endless--and I would think the probability of Butchie losing his cool would be quite high (and another ratings grabber). It also could be cool to have him do a hidden-camera show around the Coliseum a la "Howie Do It." Or just have him punch Ron Duguay once and for all. Point is the Isles are not tapping into Goring's full potential, and they need to change that ASAP.

One-up the magnanimous nature of the Penguins. We all know the great, heartwarming story of Jacob Anderson, the eight-year-old boy with cystic fibrosis whom the Penguins signed to a one-day contract. A truly great story. But the Islanders are one of the few teams who can do the same thing and actually get the kid some playing time (and, assuming he replaces Thomas Pock, actually improve the on-ice product). Sure, practice is nice and it's cool to hang out with Miro Satan, but wouldn't it be way cooler to actually play in a game? Let's make this happen.

Arbour Night worked, so why not just bring the whole team back? One of the true highlights in recent Islanders history was Al Arbour coming back to coach one last game. It was a perfect night and a true reminder of the franchise's respect for its past. So, if that worked, think how awesome it would be for the entire Core of the Four to come back for a regular-season game. Sure, some of the guys might've lost a few strides, but, again, how much slower can they be than some of the current Islanders? And if some of them are reluctant to come back (or if the Isles still can't find Wayne Merrick), they can open it up to all past alumni, thus appeasing the group of Islanders Mania posters who are "tired" of honoring the dynasty players (waaah).

Time to rethink the "three goals and everybody gets chili" promotion. It seemed like a good, reasonable idea at the time, but now the prospects of the Islanders scoring three goals at home are not strong. So the Isles need to find other ways to reward the devotees that still come out to the Coliseum. One idea is a free danish every time Frans Nielsen gets a point. Another is a coupon for a free bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream when Josh Bailey gets a point. But the best I've come up with so far is the new "Score with the Islanders" campaign, where, if the Islanders score one goal, a lucky fan will get to go out on a date with one of the Ice Girls. Sure, it's a a potentially tough assignment for the Ice Girls, but these are tough times and everyone in the franchise needs to pitch in. No exceptions. And, to be fair, if the lucky fan is a heterosexual woman, she can choose among the guys that drive the Zamboni, Charles Wang, or any of the night's scratches, healthy or otherwise.

So, there you have it. Five absolutely fantastic ideas for the second half. Think about 'em, Mr. Wang. And let's go Islanders.

House Cleaning

Here's some things I've been meaning to get out this week:

Thoughts on the Ranger Game

Garth Snow pronounced the K in Okposo. If I’m pronouncing it wrong someone tell me. Otherwise, someone pull Garth aside and ‘splain to him that it’s important to learn how to pronounce his players’ names. Especially the good ones.

Mike Comrie. I want to like Mike Comrie but he makes it SO HARD sometimes. He seems like his skills can’t always keep up with what he wants to do. He might be better if he makes simpler plays. Can’t say enough for a little guy like him willing to drop the gloves, though.

Howie Rose is back—let the flirting begin!
“You’re good, I get that ‘Dynamic Duo.’ You’re good. The reality, you’re right…”
“Does that make you Robin, by the way?”
“I don’t like the outfit”
“BOY WONDER!”
“Ha, ha, ha. Compared to you I am.”

Butch Goring in the seats. It’s stupid. Have him report from ice level.

Wrong about Mark Streit

Man, was I wrong. I predicted Mark Streit to be a complete bust. Lucky for me not too many people read this blog. Congratulations to Mark on not being what Bruce Boudreau would call a "representative. "

The Hokey Trip

So I did take a hockey trip last weekend. Here’s the summary:

Friday Arrival in Tully. Some NHL 2009 along with a few helpings of Molson Canadian. Some nice plays, some nice goals, but it’s hard to beat the guy who knows all the glitches in the game.

Saturday Floor hockey game at the community college. After three Advils to relax a sore back, I was ready to hobble my way through a couple of hours of play. While I had a couple of goals and a few good passes one of which was called ‘sneaky,’ it was mainly a wheeze-fest.

Later that evening, the Rev. and I headed out to Ithaca in a good snow storm for a Cornell Hockey game. It was the kind of snow that gets you revved up for a game. It was great to be back in the old Lynah barn. Even in prohibitive weather and during school break, the place seemed to sell out. The game was tight. Most of the action was at the other end of the rink, though. Cornell has a few NHL draft picks including a first-rounder for the Oilers.

Drinking followed the game which was cool. Nothing interesting to report, really except that the Rev. apparently will sacrifice quantity of beer for quality by drinking out of a fancy glass. Oh how things change…

Sunday In addition to the big Rev. Zamboni, there are two little Rev. Zambonis. They got a couple of big-boy hockey sticks for outside so we knocked around on the walkway between the growing snow piles. The Rev. and I turned this into a no-holds-barred deathmatch. Naturally. Then I headed home soon after the Giants/Eagles game started.

Oh, and everyone’s cameras were busted so there were no photos to document this action-packed weekend. Next time.

I Needed to See Sean Avery Get Punched.

So I went onto Youtube and this made me laugh instead.



Anyway, I can't be to depressed about the B squad losing. In all honesty, it was nice to see a few creative plays out there. The kids are a little more fun to watch, if not as good, as their major league counterparts.

The Howie and Billy Flirt of the Game
I'd like to first open this to sponsorship as next season I hope to make this a regular installment on the blog. Tonight's bit of flirty dialogue came as the culmination of banter involving the league MVP. Billy, who thought it should be Ovechkin, was relentless in his teasing of Howie for not agreeing. These juicy lines came in the third period after hearing that Ovechkin had scored "again".
Billy: (In a high, whiny voice) "You're going to change you vote!"
Howie: "I can be bought..."
This was no doubt followed by off-camera winking, smiles and slapping each other. Again, any sponsors should please contact the Rev. Zamboni.

Watching Hockey

Another tough night. Here are some things I said over the course of the night. At least some things I’m pretending I said.

(I missed the first period of the Isle and Ranger game)

“A bad first period for the Rangers? Nice.”

“Butch is criticizing the Isles. Can’t be good.”

“No score? That’s practically a win. Ease up, Butch.”

“Sweet, the Rangers are losing to LA.”

“Shit. Should’ve had that one brother DiPietro.”

“Someone’s really got to tell Avery that it’s not illegal to TOUCH HIM.”

“Good god, Guerin. Matt could’ve put that in.”

“Ok, I can accept 1-0. We’ll get ‘em in the third.”

“Some decent cycling… Oh, keep it in…. No way he can score from there—or maybe he can. How the hell did that go in?”

“#%&@!. THREE GOALS? Maybe the Rangers are still losing...”

“Please. For the love of god and all that is holy, HIT SOMEONE.”

“Ho, ho. All those bad singers on American Idol crack me up.”

“Fedotenko’s scored 2 goals in 32 games? He blows even more than I thought.”

“I wonder if Billy Jaffe could be signed…”

“Oh, please don’t score… Thank you Jason LaBarbera.”

“Jagr looks like hell.”

“oooohhh, take it off, take it aaaall off…”

Sorry to burden you with such trite nonsense, but I needed to write something. It was either this or a long post where I type “All lose and no win make Bill a dull boy” over and over and over and over...

Watching Hockey on a Long Weekend

Providence beats the Rangers, twice
The Bruins are better than the Rangers. Saturday, Chuck Kobasew scored twice, Z Chara actually shot a few from the point, and Scott Gomez was the only Rag to report for work (Jagr scored, but it was one of the wonderful Jagr goals -- Chara fell down in front of him and, finally, Jagr was in position to shoot). In related news, I was watching Ghostbusters on VH1 during the commercials (why, oh why, would a TV station in 2007 show a full-screen version of any movie?), and I'm pretty sure I saw a #68 Rangers jersey floating away from the firehouse after that prick from the EPA forced the shutdown of the grid.

Wait for it.

Yes.

Tip your waiter.

Joe Micheletti, a traitor, seems amazed Claude Julien would encourage his cast of superstars to "go into a defensive shell" when they have a lead against a team some people picked to win the Stanley Cup.

It's fun to watch the Rangers. Remember Henry Lundqvist?

The Bruins won again Sunday. I couldn't watch (busy around the house), and was lost in football land Sunday evening. The Rangers are awful. It's fun.


Islanders are a bore, lose twice

This is what the opening of an Islanders game typically looks like to me:




Between bath time for the kids and putting them to bed, I usually jump in somewhere toward the end of the second period, trying to piece together what's happened thus far, and trying to guess what Deb Kaufman might be wearing tonight. The Flyers game was a wash for me. I had it up on the computer, but the room where our computer lives essentially is a converted porch, and it's cold, cold, cold anytime the outside temp. drops into single digits. I checked in and out and dragged the wife in to watch the third period, but gave up at 5-3.

The game, according to Howie and Chunk's retarded buddy from Goonies, was loose, fast, and apparently featured a fight between Derian Hatcher and Trent Hunter. I hear it wasn't much to miss. The Isles don't match up well with the Flyers, mostly, I think, because the Flyers display an interest in actually winning games and not "not losing" them. Not losing is the Isles strong point. Winning, methinks, is a ways away.

Notes I took during the game: Billy Jaffe keeps saying "rim-around." I really wish he would stop. Jesus. Did Derian Hatcher fight Trent Hunter? (yes, and Hunter lost -- but he's Trent Hunter, that's to be expected. Hunter is big, but Derian Hatcher spends his off days beating on old ladies in grocery store parking lots.)

Saw much more of the Carolina game, and realized the Bruins are better than the Rangers and the Islanders. I thought Micheletti sounded like a fool criticizing the Bruins for slinking back into a defensive shell with a one-goal lead, because the Bruins are pretty good at that sort of thing. The Islanders aren't as good. The difference: The Bruins have a few guys who are legitimate threats to score (Kessel, Savard) or create scoring opportunities without dragging the whole team into the zone with them. Mike Comrie occasionally goes on little forays against two or three defenders, but unless Wade Redden is in front of him, he rarely makes it to the circle. The Bruins play four men back and stacked at the blueline, and Phil Kessel gets three scoring chances.

Up one late in the Carolina game, the Isles go into defensive posture, and, unfortunately for this team, that basically means Carolina spends the rest of the game in the Islanders zone. Every Isles' possession results in a (bad) soft dump into the opposing zone. Oh, and Andy Sutton isn't worth shit. He took a lousy penalty before OT that led to a Hurricanes goal. I know the defense is depleted, but Snow paid $3 million for him, and he's here for three years. (As you can see, I'm not exactly full of insight today.)

Deb Kaufman watch: Saturday she was in some kind of blue sweater she must have found at Coldwater Creek, or some other menopausal nightmare store. Did nothing for me. Butch Goring, though, looked crazy as hell (and might have gotten a haircut ... if I'm casting a Vietnam movie, Goring is my Willem Dafoe). I can't remember what she was wearing Monday. That pains me. Must have been equally dull. I'll be better.

Billy Jaffe? Saturday night, laying in bed, freezing, watching the Isles lose to the Flyers. Down two, the Isles get some traffic, take a shot on net. Mike Comrie sees the rebound, skates directly away from the goal, hopes puck magically flies out of scrum onto stick. Billy Jaffe? "The Isles get a shot here." Back to Howie. If hockey was popular, and the Islanders mattered to anyone besides the three of us and a few people on Long Island, Frank Caliendo would have a Jaffe impression that would rival Madden. (I just learned Billy didn't play professional hockey. I had assumed, incorrectly, that someone as boring and obvious as him could find his way into the booth only with some reasonable pro-level connections. He played for Michigan and at the Maccabiah Games, held in Israel in 1997. Here. I know, I know, Wikipedia. I checked it out elsewhere.)

Elsewhere on TV
I watched the Giants and skipped the Avs-Jackets game, as, I'm guessing, did most of the rest of the world. Monday it was too cold on my first floor to watch TV, so I went to bed early. Country living.