If Madden called hockey games

Have you ever wondered what it would be like if John Madden called hockey games? Well, I have.

This won't make any sense if you haven't heard or seen any of Frank Caliendo's bits about his "idol," John Madden. Check out his CD "Make the Voices Stop." You'll hear all about Madden's gift to state and restate the obvious, and make the rest of us feel smart. So here we go. If John Madden were a hockey broadcaster (with apologies to Frank Caliendo):

"If a center … if he passes the puck to a winger and the winger shoots the puck and it goes into the net … that's gonna be a goal."

A player loses a contact lens on the ice. Madden says, "Here's a guy who when he puts his contacts in, he can see better."

Or, "Here's a guy who when he skates he goes faster!"

Or, "Here's a guy who when he eats a lot he takes a big dump later."

"If a … if the referee, if he raises his arm and blows the whistle, and it wasn't icing, then there's probably … there's probably gonna be a penalty."

Madden will also say the same thing in the first part of the sentence that he does at the end of the sentence. "Great hockey is about great hockey, and when you're playing great hockey that's what makes great hockey great. If you weren't playing great hockey then it wouldn't be great hockey it would just be mediocre hockey, and without great hockey you can't have great hockey and these guys out here today … these guys, they're playing great hockey."

"Hey look, that guy's got blood on his jersey! See, the way you get blood on your jersey is you get a cut and it starts bleeding, and then you wipe the cut with your jersey and blood gets on it and that's a bloody jersey."