Watching the NHL with the third eye, Vol. II

This is the year without cable.

School librarian and budding independent photographer The Upstate Ice Girl will be home with the children this season, wearing her apron and (unbeknownst to her, but hey!, that's what Christmas is for ...) her ice girl outfit, while I grind away at the local community college, tracking down errant commas and style infringements. This decision results in a significant decrease in our income, and although we have an apple tree in our new yard, conventionally purchased groceries and other necessities will take precedence over the NHL Network and the 24 Islanders games not broadcast on Staten-Island exclusive Metro 3, or whatever becomes the Isles' home when Siena is playing Hofstra in men's volleyball (live!).

This could be catastrophic, but I live a well-sated hockey life, for the most part. There is the weekly ball hockey game. There is blogging (guess I'll be doing more of that), and reading blogs. There is the 25th anniversary copy of Slap Shot, calling my name as the wind changes and the leaves brighten. And there is NHL 09. (which I will try to locate today, but probably won't locate until tomorrow, at which time you will find a full review in this space.)

But I still want to watch the Islanders. (hold your applause fellow Islanders fans. cut the laugh track NHL press.)

Looked into Center Ice Online. I know there are blackout restrictions within range of local broadcasts. I can't find a map of said restrictions (or a guide/table/spreadsheet) on the web site. Fair enough. I figure I'll go through the first few steps of account creation, see if I can find the blackout information, then get the Ice Girl on the phone for help in the decision-making process. (goes something like this: I sold my guitar/your camera/one of the children -- for a fair price -- can I get hockey on the computer?)

"Center Ice Online can not be accessed from within your broadcast region."

Mother. F.

I know, as a formerly mediocre and passive newspaper reporter, I could get some background on this and discover the real reason I can't pay someone to watch hockey on the computer. Too hard. I'll chalk it up to evil evil evil Time Warner and what I will suspect is some ridiculous ploy to get me to buy something other than the $7.34/month 2-13 service that will bring me five games (go Pens! go Wings!) on NBC this season.

Concessions

1. The first time I saw hockey on television I'm pretty sure Tom Mees was broadcasting a Whalers/Bruins game. I have fond memories of Tom Mees, if only because he didn't tell any jokes. You can watch more hockey now than ever before. I know this. Even Vs.

2. What with all of the other media options out there, including listening to Isles' game on web radio (thank you thank you thank you for not getting so goddamn greedy I have to pay for out-of-market streaming radio like baseball or football), I can stay abreast of developments. I would say I could also go to a bar and watch the game, but I'm liable to drop a season's worth of cable fees in a bar session, and let's say "I'm working on that this year."

3. The NHL Network, which I will get next year, is pretty good. Thanks. Whomever.

Here it is: The Islanders are getting pretty good at innovating and understanding new technologies. They're offering interesting tickets packages, great online features, and I'm guessing the trend will continue. The league needs to catch up. It's not a dire situation. I can find hockey, you can find hockey, and there's a certain sense in directing the game's die-hard fans to open their wallets for what they want.

But it's my job to bitch and moan, because I do it well. Let's get that Center Ice Online up here in the wilds of Central New York. And if you can't, I don't want to see any men in suits at my door when I find a P2P site to watch me Isles. I'll buy a hat, I promise, and we'll call it even.

Is It Too Much to Ask?

Look, I recognize that hockey is not the most popular sport in the world. I accept that if I want to see hockey highlights on Sportscenter in the regular season, I have to (a) wait until about two-thirds of the way into the show and (b) not flip, because they could come at any moment and be done in ten seconds (fill in sex-related joke here). I'm cool with that. Those are the rules.

But is it completely out of the realm of possibility for sportscasters to make some effort to learn how to pronounce the names of hockey players? Tonight, I was watching ESPN News and they ran this 30-second lead-in package recapping the Canadiens/Bruins series. That was nice of them to show some interest in the NHL playoffs, I thought. This should be a good recap of the first two periods. Of course, it ends up being just the goals, so I see Komisarek's goal, Mark Streit's ridiculous shaming of the Bruins' defense, and then a goal by someone called "Andrei KAH-stisen." Really? That's how you roll? Is Ka-STEET-zin really that hard to figure out? And it's not like Andrei and Sergei have been quiet this series. Probably should know that name by now, sport. Or at least come close.

Of course, such a scenario plays out what I have to assume is every night on some sportscast somewhere. It just doesn't seem like the sports departments want to put all that much effort into learning funny-sounding names. Which is why I would like to suggest that, as part of his efforts to get the NHL more exposure--and more good exposure--Gary Bettman should hire someone whose sole purpose is to go across the country and visit every working sportscaster in America. This person would sit down with the sportscaster and slowly go through some of the more difficult names in the NHL. It shouldn't take more than a half-hour of the sportscaster's time. And it will prevent millions of hockey fans from losing their minds when their favorite players' names are mangled in the 30 seconds per sportscast that hockey is mentioned.

For the record, I could make myself available for said job. And I could start immediately, since the Predators' defeat leaves me with precious little interest in watching hockey for the rest of the playoffs. Feel free to contact me c/o The Palm Isle.

MIDNIGHT UPDATE: ESPN News guy now goes with Ko-STEET-zin. Slight progress being made. Also made aware of this, which I guess no one reads. Still willing to enforce the guide in person, though. Call me.

Random Thought to Deflect Attention Away From Another Poor Effort by the Islanders

Am I the only person who, upon hearing the name "Glen Metropolit," always says (either in my head or out loud) "Yip-ay-aye"?

I am? Fair enough.

Give me a frikking break

Bruins 2, Habs 8

Jesus fucking christ. This was one of those games. One of those gin-soaked, yell at the wife, kick the dog and regret it the next morning games. Where to Steve Begin on this one?

1. Alex Auld. Alex, when warm-ups are over, that’s when the game begins. Your job is to stop pucks, not let them in. That first goal, you bit harder than a Civil War soldier with gangrene getting a leg amputated. You bit harder than Seabiscuit groaning under the weight of Spiderman’s fat ass. You bit harder than the American public’s belief that there really were WMD’s. You bit harder than …

2. It’s 2-0. You’re down one in the first 14 seconds, two in the first 5 minutes, on like four shots. Where was the fight? No one is dropping the mits? Where was Reich? Where was Lucic? Where was Chara? Where's Shawn Thornton when you need him? What the fuck is wrong with you guys? What happened to wanting to be a difficult team to play against? You guys wait until the third period to dance? It was 6-1 by then. Pathetic.

3. Claude Julien. The prodigal Frenchman. Does he have some sort of inferiority complex going into Montreal? Losers of six straight vs the goddamn Habs. That’s a mental thing. It’s a pride thing. It’s the whole Boston sports consciousness thing. The whole archrival, nemesis who always beats us thing. If you want to beat the Habs, B’s, you have to ask yourselves: What better time than now? What better place than here? That’s the attitude. Right here, right now. It’s not, wow, would you look at that Kovalev stickhandle. I hear he flies planes too. You know, Montreal is just like a European city only in North America. Don’t get too close to Koivu; you might catch the cancer. They all ought to have shock therapy after the game.

4. Darryl Reaugh. A cornucopia of food metaphors. “Juicy, succulent rebounds.”

5. The boards. When a puck hit the kickplate, were Habs fans kicking from the other side to make the puck bounce off harder? The Bell Centre has some of the liveliest boards in the league.

6. Versus cameraman. The game is hockey dude. Not tennis. Stop acting like a spaz with the f’ing camera. You’re giving me a headache.

7. Shane Hnidy. Minus fucking 4. Hnidy night.

Injured Crosby

My AP RSS feed had him as one of the Top Stories for a while. Big story.

Gettin' around

While the other denizens of the Palm Isle were holding things down indoors, I spent the last few weekends out and about on hockey-related expeditions. And here's the happy recap (sorry for the baseball reference...I can't think of how Howie Rose teases a recap, though I sure as heckfire know that "damn" isn't part of it):

Saturday, January 12: To mark the closing weekend of the Pond at Bryant Park in NYC, a swell group of former NHLers took to the ice to skate with what I assume were the largely oblivious masses. Clark Gillies, Bob Nystrom, Gerry Hart, Benoit Hogue, and Rod Gilbert (one of these things is not like the other...) were introduced to the crowd by a gentleman who called Gerry Hart "Gary" (leading to a later debate at the autograph tent of whether the guy signing autographs was Gerry Hart or Garry Howatt), Benoit Hogue "Benoit Hague," and the hockey team from Buffalo the "SAH-brays." Twice. Good to see they got a hockey fan to do the job.

I didn't skate, ostensibly because the line was too long but mainly because I didn't want to fall in front of Gillies and Nystrom. Instead I queued up with the rest of the nonathletes on the autograph line, where I was regaled with stories of hotel collecting success (if I get really bored one weekend, maybe I'll do that and report back to you) and eBay finds. Finally, the players made their way over, and the signing began. I added Nystrom to my signed John Tonelli 8X10, got Gillies, Hart, and Hogue to sign an Isles puck, and accepted a signed postcard from Gilbert, who, I was told by the collectors in line, has turned into a big jerkoff. I have a soft spot for Gilbert, because he was always nice to my dad when he worked at the Garden, so I didn't want to believe that he was a prick. But then he greeted the request of the guy behind me to sign his mini Rangers stick with "I don't sign those things." Meaning, I guess, that he doesn't sign them unless you pay him to. Friggin' Rangers.

The line was so short that I had a rare bright idea: get the pictures printed off my memory card at the Kinko's across the street and get back on line to get them signed. Bob Nystrom saluted my ingenuity as I made my way through the line for a second time. Or at least he said something vaguely complementary to someone who might be a stalker. And then he signed the group photo, which has a hot shot of some Nystrom ass because he turned around at the moment I took the picture (really, I swear), saying "I just wanted you to get my better side." Good times.




Sunday, January 13: After Saturday's successful day, I figured I'd keep the fun going by hopping on the Metro-North to see the Sound Tigers play their third game in three days, and their second against the Binghamton Senators. And, of course, this afforded me the opportunity to see our Blessed Savior Kyle Okposo in his third professional game. Let us pause to celebrate his presence on earth:



As you can see, it was camo jerseys for Armed Forces Day at the Harbor Yard. A list of those from Connecticut who have lost their lives in Iraq and Afghanistan was read before the puck was dropped, and the whole arena went completely silent, save for the gasps that accompanied those whose ages were 19 and 20. A crowd's silence during such a moment would seem like a given, but since the PA announcer at the Coliseum had to say "Please refrain from shouting" before a moment of silence at yesterday's game, it aint always a sure thing. And people in Bridgeport did start chanting "U-S-A!" afterward, but, to their credit, maybe the Iron Sheik and Nikolai Volkoff were in the building.

Anyway, the game was pretty slow going, and Okposo looked like a guy who was playing his third game in as many days, so it was hard to get all excited. But I did get a front-row seat next to the penalty box, so at least I had a good view of the nonaction. And I was close when Drew Fata got pummeled by Matt Carkner in a fight. So that's something.

The Sound Tigers lost 3-1 and I didn't win a camo jersey in the auction. Still, I got to see Okposo. I can imagine the excitement in previous years when Isles fans got to see a young Brett Lindros. Or Scott Scissons. Or Dean Chynoweth. I should stop.

Sunday, January 20: What better way to spend NFL Conference Championship Sunday in New England than meeting Hockey Hall of Famer Johnny Bower at a sports collectibles store in Saugus, MA? My friends DJ and Wendy live just minutes away, so I figured it wasn't too much of an imposition to ask them to drive me over to the store before we headed to DJ's friend Chris's house to watch the Pats game.

If you don't know why I would want to meet Johnny Bower, all you need to do is read this from the above link:

"Bower, like his other five Original Six brethren, became famous for his fearless play. Maskless, he never shied away from an attacking player and in fact patented the most dangerous move a goalie can make - the poke-check. Diving head-first into the skates of an attacking player at full speed, Bower would routinely flick the puck off that player's stick and out of harm's way. One time he got a skate in his cheek, knocking a tooth out through his cheek. He suffered innumerable cuts to his mouth and lips and lost virtually every tooth in his mouth from sticks and pucks, but almost to his last game, he never wore a mask."

That's enough to forgive him for being a Ranger.

When we got to the store, I noticed another guy signing stuff next to Bower. Turns out the store added former Bruin and (sigh) Ranger Derek Sanderson to the signing, so I got an 8X10 signed by both of them (and also picked up a signed Willie O'Ree puck while I was there, because it was the day after the Bruins tribute and the puck was only $15). Then, the fun began when I handed my camera off to one of the guys at the store to take a picture of me and Sanderson. I guess I tripped the wheel of the camera to the movie function when I pulled the camera out of my pocket, which led to two three-second videos of me posing awkwardly next to Sanderson. Then the problem was solved, and the picture was taken.



But after that, Sanderson took an interest in my camera. I then spent some time explaining the camera to him, finding it odd that he was so interested. He was particularly hung up on the movie function, and after I explained it, saying that the screen is always running, but the movie doesn't start until someone clicks the button, he said, "Oh, so that's how they get those videos out there." Yeah," I replied. "YouTube and all that." Then I moved over to Bower, who is clearly awesome and has an old-time hockey face you have to love, and got the picture with him.



I wandered around the store a bit, as I can't just go in and out of a place that has autographs on the walls and in racks and cases all around the store. So I'm looking at stuff when Sanderson comes out from behind the counter.

"Hey. Show me that movie thing again with the sound."

"Well, I don't have any on here that have sound on them, but..."

And then he explained why he was so interested. I guess he had been having a conversation with another guy about an actor that he didn't want on the Web anywhere. I honestly didn't even hear the conversation, let alone film it, and if you think I'm even mentioning the person he was talking about, you're crazier than I thought, which, since you're actually reading this blog, is pretty, pretty crazy.

Anyway, he was nice about it, just concerned. Of course, after I told him that there was nothing on the camera and all was resolved, another guy chimed in with "Yeah, that's what he says." The same guy added, "He can still fight, y'know," to which Sanderson said, jokingly (I hope), "Oh, it'd be worse than that." And we all shared a laugh. Ha ha ha.

The lesson here: If you see Derek Sanderson around, don't film him, kids. That's one to grow on.

And with that, I'll wrap up my first post here. Welcome. We're all Palm Islanders.

The weekend in hockey

B’s vs. Rangers, Jan. 19

Tim Thomas. Timmy. When is the rest of the team going to play as well as him? Boston players owe Timmy a few dinners after the way he bailed them out during Saturday’s matinee tilt against the Rags. Thomas is Boston’s MVP. Savard is a very close second. Thomas is always there to make the big save. He doesn’t take a night off. He’s the guy who has kept Boston in the running. He’s probably the one who has benefited the most from Julien’s defense-first system. As proof, his save percentage is at the top of the league. If the rest of the team could show as much heart as he does, the Bruins would be doing (even) better. The Bruins will go as far as Thomas will take them, no question. They don’t have enough depth up front to do much better.

This game was broadcast on NBC and who do we get between periods but none other than Mad Mike Milbury and Pierre Maguire, who was doing double duty “behind the glass” or in between benches, as it were. Others here would disagree, but I like Maguire. He’s a hockey guy. He knows what he’s talking about and I can think of several other talking heads who are a lot worse. Anyway, the most interesting nugget to come out of the banter between these two was this question to Milbury from Maguire: Do you sign Phil Kessel or do you trade him? Milbury’s answer: trade. Although, as he admitted, “I’ve been wrong before.” (That’s an understatement, no?)

I’m leaning in your direction on this one, Mike. Yes, Kessel is fast and he has some pretty good hands. But does he have top-six forward career potential? Second line center? So far, it doesn’t seem like it. It’s close but not quite. Kessel belongs in the league and he can play with the big boys, but he may end up like more of a Matthew Lombardi kind of player. Speedy and can chip in the odd goal now and then. On the other hand, Kessel may have heard Milbury’s comments because he really nailed that goal he scored (no thanks to an intelligent play from Savard, of course. Savard takes advantage of a Ranger turnover, blasts a slapper at Lundqvist practically guaranteeing a rebound and Phil is in perfect position to clean up the mess.) But the one thing missing from Phil’s game, Milbury pointed out, is the physical component. And how can you be an effective, impact player without that unless you can make up for it in other ways, and so far, it does not appear that Phil can. He doesn’t seem hungry enough, mean enough, tough enough to go the distance.

So who do you trade for Kessel? I’d take a draft pick and bonafide role player. But what do I know?

Caps vs. Penguins, Jan. 21

Too bad the NHL can’t put together more games like this one. I figured no Crosby would mean tough luck for the Pens, but I turn the game on in the second and it’s 4-4. I have to watch. My first thought is why did Therrien start Sabourin? The guy gets two wins in two starts, one shutout, OK, but big deal. Conklin is the hot hand. 10-1-1 in his last 12? What’s not to like? Are you trying to give Conklin some rest? In Sabourin’s defense, it didn’t look like he had a chance on the first four goals. Maybe that second one by Ally O’Vechkin, which was a bit of a floater. But the point is moot. Conks should have started.

For the record, Malkin’s goals were more fun to watch than Rumplevechkins'. He had a chance to put the game away there in the third, when he walked in on the off-wing to the top of the circle, unmolested, and … decided to shoot? Not a good decision, Geno. He had the time and space, as they say, to make a better play. Godzilla swallowed up the shot and that was the end of that. If I’m playing NHL 08 and that happens to me, I’m faking slapper, changing the angle and firing a wrister short side. SCORE.

This game was how hockey was meant to be shown on TV. Scoring and enough end to end action to keep the play-by-play guy (Finnish broadcasting prospect Joe Beninattiiettannenn) and color guy (was it Reaugh?) busy talking about THE GAME and not which college this player attended, and oh this is what it was like when I was in the league, and hey this guy and his wife are expecting their first child. Shut up. Call the f’ing game. Stick with what we, the viewers, care about — what we’re seeing on the screen.

All-Star preview

Short and sweet. I want to know who wins hardest shot (will Big Z keep his title?), who will go 4-for-4 or 4-for-5 in the accuracy contest, and I guess I will have to check out the slam-dunk contest. I predict one or two good ones and a lot of choking.

Watching Hockey on a Long Weekend

Providence beats the Rangers, twice
The Bruins are better than the Rangers. Saturday, Chuck Kobasew scored twice, Z Chara actually shot a few from the point, and Scott Gomez was the only Rag to report for work (Jagr scored, but it was one of the wonderful Jagr goals -- Chara fell down in front of him and, finally, Jagr was in position to shoot). In related news, I was watching Ghostbusters on VH1 during the commercials (why, oh why, would a TV station in 2007 show a full-screen version of any movie?), and I'm pretty sure I saw a #68 Rangers jersey floating away from the firehouse after that prick from the EPA forced the shutdown of the grid.

Wait for it.

Yes.

Tip your waiter.

Joe Micheletti, a traitor, seems amazed Claude Julien would encourage his cast of superstars to "go into a defensive shell" when they have a lead against a team some people picked to win the Stanley Cup.

It's fun to watch the Rangers. Remember Henry Lundqvist?

The Bruins won again Sunday. I couldn't watch (busy around the house), and was lost in football land Sunday evening. The Rangers are awful. It's fun.


Islanders are a bore, lose twice

This is what the opening of an Islanders game typically looks like to me:




Between bath time for the kids and putting them to bed, I usually jump in somewhere toward the end of the second period, trying to piece together what's happened thus far, and trying to guess what Deb Kaufman might be wearing tonight. The Flyers game was a wash for me. I had it up on the computer, but the room where our computer lives essentially is a converted porch, and it's cold, cold, cold anytime the outside temp. drops into single digits. I checked in and out and dragged the wife in to watch the third period, but gave up at 5-3.

The game, according to Howie and Chunk's retarded buddy from Goonies, was loose, fast, and apparently featured a fight between Derian Hatcher and Trent Hunter. I hear it wasn't much to miss. The Isles don't match up well with the Flyers, mostly, I think, because the Flyers display an interest in actually winning games and not "not losing" them. Not losing is the Isles strong point. Winning, methinks, is a ways away.

Notes I took during the game: Billy Jaffe keeps saying "rim-around." I really wish he would stop. Jesus. Did Derian Hatcher fight Trent Hunter? (yes, and Hunter lost -- but he's Trent Hunter, that's to be expected. Hunter is big, but Derian Hatcher spends his off days beating on old ladies in grocery store parking lots.)

Saw much more of the Carolina game, and realized the Bruins are better than the Rangers and the Islanders. I thought Micheletti sounded like a fool criticizing the Bruins for slinking back into a defensive shell with a one-goal lead, because the Bruins are pretty good at that sort of thing. The Islanders aren't as good. The difference: The Bruins have a few guys who are legitimate threats to score (Kessel, Savard) or create scoring opportunities without dragging the whole team into the zone with them. Mike Comrie occasionally goes on little forays against two or three defenders, but unless Wade Redden is in front of him, he rarely makes it to the circle. The Bruins play four men back and stacked at the blueline, and Phil Kessel gets three scoring chances.

Up one late in the Carolina game, the Isles go into defensive posture, and, unfortunately for this team, that basically means Carolina spends the rest of the game in the Islanders zone. Every Isles' possession results in a (bad) soft dump into the opposing zone. Oh, and Andy Sutton isn't worth shit. He took a lousy penalty before OT that led to a Hurricanes goal. I know the defense is depleted, but Snow paid $3 million for him, and he's here for three years. (As you can see, I'm not exactly full of insight today.)

Deb Kaufman watch: Saturday she was in some kind of blue sweater she must have found at Coldwater Creek, or some other menopausal nightmare store. Did nothing for me. Butch Goring, though, looked crazy as hell (and might have gotten a haircut ... if I'm casting a Vietnam movie, Goring is my Willem Dafoe). I can't remember what she was wearing Monday. That pains me. Must have been equally dull. I'll be better.

Billy Jaffe? Saturday night, laying in bed, freezing, watching the Isles lose to the Flyers. Down two, the Isles get some traffic, take a shot on net. Mike Comrie sees the rebound, skates directly away from the goal, hopes puck magically flies out of scrum onto stick. Billy Jaffe? "The Isles get a shot here." Back to Howie. If hockey was popular, and the Islanders mattered to anyone besides the three of us and a few people on Long Island, Frank Caliendo would have a Jaffe impression that would rival Madden. (I just learned Billy didn't play professional hockey. I had assumed, incorrectly, that someone as boring and obvious as him could find his way into the booth only with some reasonable pro-level connections. He played for Michigan and at the Maccabiah Games, held in Israel in 1997. Here. I know, I know, Wikipedia. I checked it out elsewhere.)

Elsewhere on TV
I watched the Giants and skipped the Avs-Jackets game, as, I'm guessing, did most of the rest of the world. Monday it was too cold on my first floor to watch TV, so I went to bed early. Country living.

B's-Lafs, state of the game, HNIC radio

OK, on with the blah-ging. (But first, let me point out that the Bruins are represented first on this majority Islander blog.)

B's vs. Leafs, Jan. 18

Good game for the B's last night, although they lost in the SO. They played pretty well. Infuriatingly well. They had the Lafs on their heels for a while. They just could not put it away. A few posts there in the third. Some other missed opportunities. They just couldn't do it. (Is Toskala's fantasy value rising? Six goals allowed in his last two games, both victories.)

Now here's something you don't see every game – Marc Savard tapped Toskala's pads once (after his miss in the shootout), maybe twice (did he do it at the end of regulation or was that Sturm?). That's one thing about hockey that is different from other sports such as, say, foosball, er, football (check the post above for more about football). Why don't hockey players do that more often? The simple answer is probably that the game is too fast for bullshit sportsmanlike gestures like that. If you check a guy into the boards, you're not going to stop and help him up. Unless you really flattened him and he's hurt. You might stop and try to lend a hand. But not if you're a Flyer.

I'm not pointing the finger specifically at Savard and this isn't to say there is a lack of sportsmanship in hockey. We have our glittering Lady Byng trophy, after all, and her boyfriends Sakic, Datsyuk and Kariya. And, of course, how could anyone forget the display of camaraderie Don Cherry showed several times last season of the two players with their arms around each other while watching a fight. Beautiful. Hockey is just different that way. We have our own ways of complimenting each other. And if you're Ian Laperriere, that includes a kiss on the cheek (hey, the guy is French).

But we hear a lot lately about how players don't respect each other anymore. There's too much at stake. Finish your check at all costs. It doesn't matter if you might end a guy's career. You have to look out for yourself. Look out for number one. It's cutthroat. That's just the way the world is today.

I'm inclined to agree with some old-schoolers or traditionalists who would say the league has taken away the game's ability to police itself -- the players' ability to police themselves. It's a simple argument that makes sense. Players are not held accountable like they used to be.

There was a great discussion on HNIC radio about this and Cassie Campbell (believe it or not) and Jeff Marek were discussing what the league wants. Does it want a bunch of Jarkko Ruutus and Jordin Tootoos running around – the pests, who know they can get under the skin of their opponents and probably not have to answer for it – or does it want more Laraques, Boogards, etc., who call those types of guys on the carpet and take them to task. I'd have to go with the latter. Ultimately, which one would be better for the game?

Hello out there

Speaking of HNIC radio, that brings me to my next topic. Something I feel I need to do – because if I don't do it, no one else will — is post an ongoing list of host Jeff Marek's one-liners, insights and witticisms (hey, the guy is entertaining). So here we go. Today's Marekisms:

— On the Rob Ramage sentencing: "When hockey players get together … beers will be consumed. … Any more tins in the cooler?"

— On Andrew Ference's fight with hockey's Golden Boy, Sidney Crosby: Ference "is no pacifist" and he doesn't mind "passing the fists." (This was a hilarious interview. I looked for an archived copy of the show but no dice. Ference talks about getting a call the day after from his sister, who is a teacher. Her students kept telling her the day after the fight that her brother got beat up by Sidney Crosby. Which leads me off on another tangent – Ference is the NHLPA's rep for environmental issues? And he also is involved in the Right to Play organization – which is great charity work and all, but bringing hockey to kids in Africa? Tell me that's not what he was doing on that episode of the "Rubber Biscuit" with your host Rob Simpson on NESN. Terrible show, by the way. How many people really want to watch Glen Murray working out?)

— "The name's Tucker not Sucker." (Darcy Tucker?)

— "I was born at night but not last night." (boo)

We continue with the Marek glossary:

— Canadian Gatorade = beer
— barley sandwich = beer
— grape juice = beer
— Diet Coke = beer

So obviously, Marek gets my seal of approval. But let's take a look at some of the other voices on HNIC radio.

Kelly Hrudey — Career stats from hockeydb.com: 367-361-97, 3.67 GAA, 0.845 SP. Complete douche bag. What's going on there beneath the surface, or should I say "behind the mask" of Rudy? Not much. Some geese flying by, tumbleweeds, maybe a light bulb short-circuiting. This guy is an insufferable bore. Holy crap. From his struggles with his Latvian or Slovak or whatever ethnicity growing up, to his powder blue bandana hanging out of his helmet during his playing days, to his career as a "broadcaster," he must have some seriously damaging dirt on someone to be allowed to continue. How and why would CBC ever offer him a job? Disturbing.

Cassie Campbell — Oh boy. Nice to see a woman in the job. Interesting to hear her take and perspective on things – sometimes – but she's mostly dead weight/air. Usually when I think of Cass, my thoughts turn to love. (Is she married?) Hey Cass, it's business time.

Elliot Freedman — Not bad. I can deal. But I can see his makeup through the radio. You don't need to wear that much blush Elliot.

Scott Morrison — Ditto, sans the rosy cheeks.

Ron Maclean — That's more like it. He's the man. What can you say.