Loyal reader will remember I promised a run down of my possible rooting tendencies in the upcoming Western Conference playoffs. I have temporarily lost all interest in hockey (Opening Day in baseball and Closing Day in Islanders Country playing their respective roles), but I can summon at least a few lines for our potential Stanley Cup champions.
Standings as of April 1, 2008.
1. Detroit. Sure. I thought Mike Babcock was kind of a pussy until I saw a closeup of his face and heard him talk. He looks like he should be holding an ax and chasing some college girls through the woods.
Seed: Number two. And making that ax joke and using the word "seed" immediately after seems a tad tasteless. Huzzah.
2. San Jose. Reason #3,456 I edit community college publications for a living and fail at fantasy hockey every fucking year (save 2001): I spent the three months prior to the Brian Campbell trade telling everyone I thought he was overrated and soft. Wrong. Turns out the Sabres suck, and he's better than I thought. Thank God baseball is here.
Seed: An Ambivalent four. They have ugly jerseys, but they have Roenick. Tie down your water bottles.
3. Minnesota. The most popular regional franchise that garners the least amount of national media attention in sports. I used them on a video game for a bit. Jacques Lemaire is a good coach, if you like soccer.
Seed: Who cares? Number three.
4. Anaheim. Unlikable. Boring. Violent. Bearded. Burked. Fuck this team.
5. Dallas. I know nothing about this team, except that Brad Richards and Brett Hull are involved. I liked Brendan Morrow for awhile, but that was because I thought he was Jamie Langenbrunner.
Seed: Seriously, I don't have a number one seed. It sure as hell isn't Dallas. Number one.
6. Colorado. The most frustrating part of the Avs (dumb fucking name BTW)/Red Wings series of the 90s was that I hated both of the fuckers. And all of the fuckers involved. Now? I don't care, again. I'm sure Peter Stastny is good, but I spent so much time yelling at his father on video games, I can't yet accept his son's arrival. And Foppa sounds like a golf shot.
Seed: What's left? Five.
7. Calgary. Keenan is still a Ranger to me. Iginla is good, but Sutter is an annoying twat. If he were my father, I would have asked Roger Neilson to adopt me.
Seed: Six. Dion Phaneuf is dating Elisha Cuthbert. Make it a seven.
8. Vancouver. If Phaneuf stayed in his room jerking it to old Ron Duguay posters and dropping the resulting flotsam in Eric Godard's suitcase, Vancouver would chime in at seven, because they're drab, dumb, and have the world's best ex-Islander.
Seed: Six. Dig the unis though, so they may win a few re-seeded tiebreakers.
The Rest: I think Nashville and/or Edmonton can still slip into the playoffs. I'll be pulling for Nashville because Mr. Bad Example sets the precedent. And Edmonton fans are much more entertaining when they suffer.